IDK

I don't what to say really so I'll ramble. We've been working on this partner project and it's going fine but I feel....weird. I like the way it's going but I'm not a fan of having to push ideas on someone. I think Brittany is a great person and partner. Seriously, she's put up with a lot working with me and hasn't seemed frustrated at all. I just feel bad that like this is my idea and stuff. Our project is going to look good...but I'm not really confident in her feeling like it's great or anyone else thinking it's awesome. I keep stressing that I'll do whatever SHE wants...I really will. I just push ideas to these odd places that she probably doesn't go to. That's not a bad thing...I'm just really weird I guess.

And that's something that's bothering me. I DO think she truly views me as good for whatever reason...but at the same time I think she thinks I'm really weird. It's almost to the point for me now where I'm paranoid all the time trying to hide my face and bury myself in a hole (figuratively) because I don't wanna concern other people. I'm so bothered because I just can't fit in....like with anyone. Not with my partner or the class or anyone. It's not that I want to change and blend in.....I definitely do not. I've tried hard to stand out with every project for 2D and Concepts all semester. But then again, I'm at a point where I'm DYING to click with someone. I'm sick of feeling like an outcast and getting awkward silences whenever I have some big idea and I speak my mind about it.

I mean I'm gonna do my thing regardless...(this attitude is another thing I'm concerned about showing. I'll explain later.)....but I think someone pushing me a bit would take me to a new level. I know I'm just supposed to wait it out and not stress over it...and that someone will come around when I'm not looking for her....but I want a girlfriend or at least a really close friend who would LISTEN TO ME. Sorry but I actually do need an ego boost. I need someone to think I'm awesome. Personally and creatively. I don't need any of the usual "benefits" that come with a girlfriend if ya catch my drift...I'm not that typa guy. I'm weird as f^&(. I guess. I would rather have someone hug me when they see me and text me when I'm not expecting it to tell me they like some design I posted online. I'd be so happy and feel like I finally mattered and I'd push myself further and further to grow and create other dope things because SHE liked it. I know lots of people like me work...but I feel like there just isn't someone who will ever crush on me and admire me like I crush on and admire others. Like, I really really truly don't believe that I'm going to find that person. I'm not the "hot guy" that girls crush on. I'm the weird creative kid that others just ASSUME has great confidence and thinks everyone else sucks. This is all weird of me....a 20 year old GUY....to be talking about....but it's all relevant to who I am and what/how I create.

Going back to my "I'm gonna do me regardless" attitude.....I think I've shown that to Brittany a bit much. I'm never cocky or over the top at all....but I feel like I just turn people off. I'm not sure. I'm probably thinking too much but it makes me just wanna cry because I can't ever win in my head. I'm SUPPOSED to be happy and SUPPOSED to be confident and all these things but when I try I always do it wrong and I'm right where I always am....down.

All I wanna do is be happy and create stuff and show love to others. I think I need to just accept that there won't ever be someone else who appreciates who I am in the way I want them too. I don't need much...and that's what sucks. I can't even get the least from someone. I'm not good enough in my current state....and I will not change who I am. I like being Jesse but I hate myself because I'm so delusional for thinking that I can accomplish. It's better to accept my irrelevance and weirdness than to believe in myself as a person.

I might as well just not even think about love in any way. I fall easily for art and colors and music and clothes and pretty people and things....but most people aren't like that. Love is just a let down. Art won't ever love me back. My favorite basketball team won't love me back. Clothes won't love me back. A totally awesome tie dye print I just discovered won't love me back.....I've been holding out hope that maybe a girl will love me back for everything that I am....but maybe I'm just too weird. Too "interesting"(negative...instead of saying weird) and out there. I'm not ideal. I'm not gorgeous. I'm nothing that any girl wants. So I just give up with that. I'm on my own.

THIS IS NOT WHINING. NOT COMPLAINING. IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER WHAT I SAY. I JUST HAVE TO RAMBLE. I GET CRITICIZED FOR HOLDING IT IN SO IT'S BETTER TO RAMBLE.

:(

I mean

:)

:|

Ignore me.