Final Thoughts On Concepts Class

I'll keep it simple to start...I really enjoyed this class.

I think it's important to have a class like this and I was PUMPED to start the year because I knew I'd FINALLY be able to have a voice. \

I'm passionate. I really, really care about what I create. This semester my feelings towards what I create have become more and more passionate. 

I'm competitive. Like...okay...this may be perceived as cocky or unnecessary to say....but I want to have the best artwork every time I submit a piece. For me, it's similar to wanting to be the best basketball player and feeling frustrated when you aren't or you have a bad game. The difference with art is that I can think my stuff out and really develop feelings to one specific moment or project. 

I have been perceived as cocky in this class because I believe so much in my ideas and I want to succeed SO BADLY that I EXPLODE in class when given a chance too. It's the night before out last class as I type and I'm so excited to present my book. I'm so excited to apologize to the class for possibly offending some people. This is what I live for. What could be better than creating something with thought behind it (that's personal to you), and then presenting it to a group of people? Nothin. Nothin is better than that. 

I'm not super confident in myself. 

...But I put on this mask on in class when presenting that makes people think I'm confident. I'm training myself to be a professional here. That's my goal. No one wants to hire someone who doesn't ooze confidence and excitement in what they do or create.

I literally personified this character with my costume project. I played "I Am A God" by Kanye in the background. That character is who comes to concepts class when it's time to present. I'm sorry that maybe this character is scary or cocky to some...but to me I have to get in this mindset or else I will literally say that my project sucks and people will wonder why I'm so down all the time. People will just want me to get over it and have more confidence in my work. 

And I don't think I've been cocky. Like I said, I've been perceived as that by some...but I think I've made fun of myself and joked around a bit in presentations...I think I've done a good job of just speaking and sharing my ideas and creations in a confident matter. 

This class isn't about your grade. It's not about your artwork. It's about learning how to think as an artist...and I believe I've learned how to express myself and think, better.

So...thank you, Ms. Rothrock. You're the perfect teacher for this class. You're so understanding and open minded that it allows crazy kids like me to feel comfortable and like I CAN create and BECOME what I want to. I really really appreciate you as a teacher and a person.

IDENTITY

Alright final project...normally I don't wait until the last minute to get projects done. I've worked my self pretty hard this semester(because I wanted to). However, for this last project I was overwhelmed with thoughts that came from various different places; plus stress from making sure I finish the semester strong in other classes. Quite frankly I didn't even have any ideas until this week.

It's weird how you can find inspiration in the weirdest, most awkward, awful places. This week I was already feeling down when I just happened to randomly discover that a classmate wasn't too fond of me because of the way I spoke out in regards to our class pop culture discussion. Honestly that really upset me and I had to apologize. I'm only passionate about what I have to say, when I do speak. I used to be extremely quiet and too scared to say what I wanted to say. Now after years of hearing how I NEED to stand up for myself and I SHOULD share my ideas...I'm finally trying. I never in my life have tried to put myself above anyone and when I do speak my mind, it's not meant to be putting people down. When I spoke out in class a few weeks back it was only to add to the conversation because it made me mad the way it was going. I didn't feel like I did anything wrong at the time, but it made me sick because I was so upset for being against the majority. I don't wanna cause problems. I just wanna make sure all bases are being covered. Personally, I love hearing all sides. I love debates. I love when someone has something to say and they say it....and I'm sorry I made specific people feel bad or like they couldn't respond after I did. I'm rambling, but obviously this really effected me.

Now how does this relate to identity? Perfectly. It's almost weird how this all happened and I could feed off it for my project. The way others view me is very much my identity. If I was a cocky person, I might say I was the best artist in the class or the best looking (LOL NO) or the smartest (LOLLLLL)....does that mean that others would view me as those things? No. They'll likely view me as an overly confident, cocky, asshole. Might as well mention him one last time.....Kanye West. He is a self proclaimed "god", "creative genius" and more. To his credit, he does do great things and has awards and material that backs up what he says. He's an intelligent human being with alot of positive ideas. HOWEVER, he brings his ideas to the public in a manner that causes people to hate him. People literally hate him and 99.9% of them haven't ever met the guy. By all accounts he's a nice guy. Fashion designers cosign his passion and creativity and give him credit for being really good at what he does. But his IDENTITY to the general public is a cocky, jerk. TMZ and other news outlets reports this and that and such and such about him and we (the public) know Kanye West (and other public fugures) via what we read and see. If we all knew these celebrities/famous people we might really truly like them. Unfortunately, we aren't going to befriend a bunch of celebrities.

So where does this leave us? Am I trying to say that people are wrong for disliking Miley Cyrus or Kanye West? No! That's totally and perfectly fine. I really don't care whether you don't like them because of what you see and hear from them. But when the dislike turns to HATE, I feel really bad for the famous person. I don't think I HATE anyone in the world and if I do it's because they did something really bad to my family or I personally.

All I want people to do is sit back and relax a bit. Yes, I do care about Kanye's new music video (as I unfortunately let it be known in class). But does it reallllllllllly matter whether I like it? Or even that it was released? No. Is a music video, quote or performance by 1 singular person really worthy of making fun of their physical appearance? No. That's just shallow and disgusting in my opinion.

We decide so many people's identity everyday. Obviously the individual controls how they act but we have to remember that we are all humans here. We deserve respect and some level of support from one another. Putting down another person will not help you gain...it only brings negativity to a place that needs positivity and support.

My identity in class when I speak my mind may be negative. That's why I apologized to my classmate and cleared things up. I hurt myself because I was passionate and possibly aggressive...I had no bad intentions and I never intended to harm anyone's feelings.

MOVING ALONG....

The newspaper, magazines, websites and other medias are outlets for discussion. They give people shots of news and information on certain people and events. As readers, we perceive people to be whatever they are portrayed to us via media. We don't all know Barrack Obama personally. We didn't all know Nelson Mandela personally. There's nothing you can do about that. We aren't going to have the opportunity to know these people...that's why we have to keep an open mind and try not to be quite so harsh with our judgements. HAVE AN OPINION. LET THE WORLD KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS. But don't attempt to bring others down if all that you know is based on what others have reported. The media is highly unreliable in today's society anyways.

Relating back once again to Julia and Courtney's fake celebrity Tweet project again; the girls mentioned how media outlets will put anything in the title to get you to click the link. Anyone can make anything up at anytime. Unless we were there, how can we be so quick to HATE an individual for their actions. It's not that big of a deal if Justin Bieber has sex. It's the most irrelevant thing compared to even my person trials and tribulations...why do we feel the need to get SO excited (negative and positive form of excited) about something that doesn't effect us at all?

Before I go further with info on my actual project.....

You're probably thinking...."but Jesse I KNOW you and I think you're a jerk because you said this and this and it was confrontational! You're point isn't correct!!"

The thing is, even tho we may hear an interview or watch a video we don't like and judge based on physically seeing actions we don't condone.....or if we hear someone talk and don't like the way they talked....unless you know that person how can you be sure you know exactly where it was coming from?

Celebrities make mistakes and do stupid things and it's caught on camera. They say stupid stuff in interviews. I was too confrontational in class. But do those actions directly reflect exactly who celebrities or I am/are at heart? No. Again, I apologized to my classmates because I never meant to come across negatively. Things happen in the heat of the moment and cause people to IDENTIFY you in specific ways.

As an artist, you must treat yourself no different than a celebrity. Artists and artwork are extremely expressive and also professionals who may work in a corporate enviroment. Everyone, artist/celebrity/famous person/public figure, or not...you must maintain your image and be sure you are being portrayed the way you wish to be at all times. If you come across in a bad way, fix it.


NOW ON TO MY PROJECT FINALLY!

So I mentioned the newspaper. It can cause people to perceive others in many different ways, specific to the way the article is written.

My last medium I needed to use for class was ALTERED OBJECT. I had no idea how to make this work but the first thing I thought of was seeing a HOW TO on YouTube (RESEARCH HERE). It shows how to make a women's clutch hand bag out of newspaper (I'm weird and I like to figure out how to do this kinda stuff in my off time..)...

So naturally I thought...

Why don't I turn a newspaper into a book?

An altered object project only implies that you find an object and alter it. 

I FOUND a newspaper and I ALTERED it using some matte board, glue, paper, paint, colored pencil and marker. 

Below you can go ahead and check out my final result...

TITLED: "MAKE LOVE NOT ASSUMPTIONS"

I'm not going to explain each page here on the blog because I really believe that books come into full affect when you can hold it in your hands.

But, I will say that in general I was coming partly from a fictional space and also a personal space with this book. I wanted the book to feel like it was made by someone who was being written about on a public form of media (newspaper) and they turned it around and explained themselves via a more personal form of communication (book).

I played alot with the idea of PERCEPTION.

RED can equal WAR or ALERT....and it can also equal LOVE.

When you see the book from a distance you may think..."wow this book is probably negative in some way because the color is IN YOUR FACE and there's a screaming black guy on the front cover!"

But when you pick it up and looks at it...you see a image of MLK and Mandela hugging on the back. They're accompanied by hearts, smilies, and dream catchers. Inside the book, there are words of questioning media and claims of only wanting to create and show love towards others. The book PLEADS with readers to not ASSUME what you have heard is correct.

Again it's okay to not like someone. We all have opinions and some things are simply going to turn us off. That's totally okay. But unless you personally know a celebrity or you know from multiple experiences and conversations that someone is a complete cocky jerk...please just reserve huge judgements. Maybe the individuals NEED love and the world might be a better place if they can be understood or helped in some way....maybe you as a listener or viewer can make the world a better place by simply remaining neutral and not placing such specific, awful ideas upon an individual.

This is such an important and complex topic for me, sorry for the length and possible confusion of/within this post.

DISCLAIMER: Again, if you hate someone or even just dislike them and have a great reason too...by all means hate and dislike them. I'm speaking in regards to the people who see an image of someone and hate them because of what they see. I'm just holding out hope that most people in the world have great intentions and if we stay positive and help each other, the world can be an even more wonderful place.

More Research:

Style/Influence... Wes Lang

Miley Cyrus speaks on planning out everything she does and making sure it's perfect (Her identity is planned regardless of how we perceive it/act like she's just insane) http://www.mtv.com/shows/miley_the_movement/series.jhtml

THANK YOU for listening to me. I appreciate it so much. I'm sorry to cause conflict. However, I wouldn't have come to this conclusion with the project, and my ideas would not have developed without having everything that has happened, happen.

Art 21 Artists

KERRY JAMES MARSHALL (IDENTITY)

Art has been around for a LONG time and he mentions how the foundations were established long ago. I like the way he acknowledges the meaning he places in color...I try to do a lot of the same. Color is such a powerful force because it's, in some cases, globally recognized to have a specific meaning.

SHAHZIA SIKANDER (SPIRITUALITY)

Just in general...without even talking about the artist's work in particular, I think the method of art can be such an interesting thing. Sikander uses unique materials in unique ways. These ideas were likely self developed...I think everyone in our class this semester can relate to developing technique. None of us are complete experts. No artist is. So I think the method of art becomes spiritual in that it's personal. Artists don't use instruction books for their whole life. They find a way to do something and make it their own. It's all about combining and formulating a recipe for awesomeness.

DO-HO SUH (STORIES)

Stories are everywhere in artwork, especially public art. Suh pointed out meanings of monuments and questioned them. Instantly my mind went off thinking of conspiracy theories and how things may not be as they seem with all art....I'm not THAT crazy to think that monuments are all government placed and have hidden meaning and what not but it's fun to think about.

JUDAY PFAFF (ROMANCE)

Her art was super personal in method and content. She used deaths of families members as fuel to create and the process of burning may have helped her cope with death in a way. Again, I think this relates back to your spirit as an artist.

REFLEKTION

ALERT: Please excuse my not-fully-explained ideas and thoughts. This is just a stream of whatever popped into my mind. I'm not the smartest guy but I think a lot.

WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED IN THIS CLASS ABOUT BEING AN ARTIST?

It's hard to answer this and act like I learned this in ONLY concepts...so I'll acknowledge that I'm taking from 2D also...

I think the worst thing you can do as an artist is to do what's popular...or what's expected. I really really don't wanna sound stuck up but when I talk to my parents about my classes I often explain others work as typical "art class art". What I mean by that is just the way that when we compare each others projects side by side in 2D... or one after another in concepts....most of them look the same. Doesn't mean they're bad...but very rarely does one piece STAND OUT. It seems as if a lot of people only know how to create art from a school project standpoint rather than a creative standpoint.

I may be way over my head here and sound like I have an ego....but I'm sick of seeing the same stuff. I don't get excited over seeing alot of my classmates work...sounds bad but it's true. I don't know what to say sometimes when critiquing because it's just the same stuff over and over. I will not claim to be the BEST artist...I am not...yet anyways. But I do try to do things differently and stand out.

And just to be clear...I get super excited about lots of art I see online. Again, I'm not stuck up...I just love creative stuff....and yeah I guess I might have high standards.

I only wanna encourage people to go beyond what's expected.

WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO IN LIFE WITH YOUR ART?

Too much probably. I may have mentioned this before but I dream of being a visual dictator. I want to get in my car....drive to Target and see billboards I designed on the way there....and then once inside I see album packages I designed....and magazine covers I worked on....and logos for this and that in which I designed...

I want to be everywhere.

I want to go HUGE with my work. I wanna have huge murals on the sides of massive buildings that are so in your face that people complain....but they still look amazing.

I'm not gonna lie...I want fame off my work. Why?? Because that opens the doors for me to spread my stuff further. I don't dream of dollar signs but I do dream of accomplishing and being able to show my kids everything I've done one day. The money will come eventually. Fortunately, I'm already making decent money off my work. But obviously I have such a long way to go.

I can see myself creatively directing projects more than anything in the future. I'm really good at making a brand and having it seamlessly form together...but I'm not the best painter or drawer or cut paper-er or whatever.

I could ramble forever but I really want to eventually open my own design firm....creative firm....and simply create awesome stuff. It's not about me. It's about the client and making their visuals look amazing. We can make the world such an AWESOME place through visuals and architecture. It's awesome to think about. It's possible. We can make things better via art and design. Art and design controls the way we think and the way we live.

Lastly.....I promise....lastly about this......I know I have such a long way to go. But I'm gonna get there if I'm living. It may not be until I'm 50 but I'll get there. And you'll hear about it.

HAVE YOU CONSIDERED AN INTERNSHIP DURING YOUR COLLEGE EXPERIENCE? IF SO, WHERE WOULD YOUR IDEAL LOCATION BE TO HAVE AN INTERNSHIP.

Yes. Charlotte Bobcats. Graphic Design intern. Please.

WHERE WILL YOU BE IN 5 YEARS?

Ohhhhh mannnnnnnnn. I'll be 25. I'll probably have been working somewhere as a designer for a year or two by then. It's hard to say. I have legit connections to the music business and famous people so I could be in LA or NY helping out a rapper or pop star with their creative direction...or I could be here in Charlotte working for the Charlotte Bob....errr Hornets. We'll see what happens.

If it's up to me I'll definitely have a girlfriend that I'm so in love with.

My brand will have been up and running for a few years by then. Hopefully I'll have it in local stores by then.

This is a hard question. I really have no idea what's going to happen with my life but I know what I want.

I want love and I want to succeed at doing what I love.

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU IN LIFE?

Love, family and my dreams.

If I don't have my family, I don't know how I'd allow myself to live...honestly. I need my family. My sister is my best friend and my parents are great. I need them. Of course I'll move out and do my own thing and create my own path but they are forever so important to me. I wanna make them proud.

I've talked about love alot. It's the one thing I've never experienced as far as a GF type thing goes. I've never had a GF. I know it's not the most important thing ever....but I want it so bad because I feel like I'd be truly happy having someone who wanted me.

I'll be open here and say I don't chase girls for sex or anything even remotely close to that like others do. It's just not in me to do that.

The typical response I get from others regarding this is just.....be patient......girls will want you.....blah blah blah.

But it's hard to be patient! I haven't experienced anything that gives me hope that anyone will ever love me. It's just hard to imagine. I can imagine succeeding in the art world...but I can't imagine being in love and having someone hug me like I'm the greatest person ever. I can't. I don't know how to get that. It really makes me so sad. I feel unwanted.

My dreams are the one thing no one can ever take from me. People can hurt me and make me feel bad but I will always fall asleep dreaming of what I want. I have to protect and nurture my dreams until I can make them reality. I think I can do it...I just need time. Luckily, time is a luxury.

I'm holding back a lot of thoughts here....but yes....love, family and my dreams. That's all that matters to me. If I didn't have my family....or the chance of being loved by a beautiful kind caring woman...or if my dreams were gone.....I'd rather not live.

HOW WILL YOU BALANCE CAREER AND FAMILY?

If I find love and have kids....they will be what inspires me to do awesome stuff. I will depend on them to be my everything as much as they depend on me for financial support/father-husband love. I don't need anything from them other than to just be alive.

I won't struggle to balance things. I may be super busy but I will treat a woman like a queen one day and my kids will be put in the best position possible to make their dad look bad one day because they're so awesome.

ART MAKING CAN BE LONELY AND ISOLATING WORKING IN THE STUDIO. HOW WILL YOU ENTER AN ARTISTIC COMMUNITY ONCE YOU LEAVE ART SCHOOL?

I'm not sure honestly. I need to figure this out...I don't have the answer at the moment.

I do plan on creating my own community tho. I will have my own art shows and they will be amazing. I really hope I will, at least. I'm gonna do it all myself.

I don't believe in myself enough to think that someone else will cosign my work and put it in a gallery...but I'll make my own gallery and hopefully get people to come...

I'll shut up. I sound dumb but I have lots of ideas.

I'm really lonely. I don't know how I'm gonna be involved to be honest.

SHOULD ART BE MADE FOR AN AUDIENCE OR FOR OURSELVES?

Both. It depends on who you are. Do whatever makes you happy. I find joy in sharing everything I do and getting instant feedback. Others like to draw pictures and be happy because they created it for themselves...that's so awesome. I hope everyone just creates in a way that makes them happy.

CAN ART CHANGE THE WAY PEOPLE THINK?

Yes. Like I said, we can literally change the world via design and art. Sounds insane but I believe the world can be so much better if we improve the simplest things via art and design.

Art is everywhere. Someone...talented or awful....created everything around you. Steve Jobs once said.. roughly.. that things seem lot more accomplishable once you realize everything around you was created by people who aren't any smarter than you are.

I hope I can have an effect on the world somehow. I wanna make my mark. I gotta figure it out.

WHAT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AS AN ARTIST, AS A CITIZEN OF YOUR COUNTRY?

To make awesome stuff.

I don't need to spread a message or have my art show people how bad things are in the world. I can and probably will do that tho...but my responsibility is to make the best visuals possible. Things must look amazing at all times.

I'm sick of seeing terribly designed flyers and awful billboards and logos and album covers and etc....we can make things so much better.

Real artists and architects can enter a store and tell you how things would work better if we change things visually and worked on adjusting the way things are arranged....and more.

I don't wanna seem ignorant but I really think we can make the world a better place by simply making everything more awesome visually.




I feel bad that I haven't fully explained all my ideas. I need to make a huge blog post explaining everything better. I have a lot to say whether it's viewed as important or not.

Thanx for at least looking at this tho, I really appreciate it.

POLITICS

I'm sorry for not making this post sooner. I've been busy with a lot of stuff and I don't know...just haven't made a post. I'm sorry.

But anyways about mine and Brittany's project--

I feel like our plan was good. The execution? Not so much. To start, we should've measured how much space we had in the window and made things fit more appropriately. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. What we did looked okay but personally I was bothered by it because it wasn't exactly how it was supposed to be.

No knock on Brittany at all, she was an awesome partner and very kind...I know I can be frustrating so I applaud her. BUT I don't think we connected exactly. That's not her fault. I pull inspiration from weird places. I enjoy different things and where I'm coming from can be really abstract. That's why I think I tend to stutter a bit or not be able to explain things well... because I know not everyone likes what I like.

For example...visually I pulled from cover art for the singer The Weeknd and his project "House Of Balloons" (could also look at Echoes of Silence or Thrusday, same concept).

The cover art has a very Crate & Barrel catalog cover feel. I love how all information is presented to you at once. It's straight forward and the basics of what you need to know. Title, Tracks, Artist.

So what I took from this was the way everything is organized. You don't need excessive detail to make something effective.

Another visual I pulled inspiration from is the way clothing brands set up sell sheets. Honestly I did one for my own brand that I'm working on and I was inspired by myself...but for the sake of this blog and the class I'll show a random one from Google..

Again, I really love the way everything is organized. This sell sheet has alot of info, but visually everything is appealing to me personally. It's very industrial and almost has an architectural feel.

More and more I look at architecture as a plan for art work. When I do a project I have everything I do measured out exactly how it needs to be so it's PERFECT. I didn't even realize I did this until this semester.

You can see the inspiration turned to reality via my plan for the project..

Conceptually, Brittany and I both liked the idea behind "Coexist" and the way everyone knows what it is and yet it's only a sticker that you see on cars. I tired telling her that we needed to create something that people could look at and identify without having to read a paragraph or use their brain at all to figure out. Seeing the "WE" logo...people may not know exactly what it stands for but assumption will likely be made.

In conclusion..

I'm glad I worked with Brittany. She's an awesome person and I REALLY REALLY appreciate her being so kind to me...it meant alot. As you know I've been struggling lately and trying hard to just bottle things up and deal with it...so I appreciate having a partner who tried to understand and work with me.

I'll never forget that she said she was intimidated to work with me. I think WAY too much but maybe I'm kind of an intimidating person. See this is where I run into problems...I don't want to change but I feel like I need to in order to draw people in. All I wanna do is be a nice person who helps others and succeeds and what I wanna do. I don't wanna intimidate people and one of the things that bothers me more than ANYTHING is when I think people have the wrong idea about me....so I hope she at least knows now that I'm not stuck up or intimidating....I hope I was a good partner.

Specifically about our project....yeah it should've been better. It was hard working with someone on something with a touchy subject and not have enough time to REALLY plan our thoughts out.

I feel bad that our presentation went poorly but I guess it's in the past now.

"Man I got too much on my head to have to deal..."

"...with all of you"

-My Idol

------RANDOM POST------

IDK

I don't what to say really so I'll ramble. We've been working on this partner project and it's going fine but I feel....weird. I like the way it's going but I'm not a fan of having to push ideas on someone. I think Brittany is a great person and partner. Seriously, she's put up with a lot working with me and hasn't seemed frustrated at all. I just feel bad that like this is my idea and stuff. Our project is going to look good...but I'm not really confident in her feeling like it's great or anyone else thinking it's awesome. I keep stressing that I'll do whatever SHE wants...I really will. I just push ideas to these odd places that she probably doesn't go to. That's not a bad thing...I'm just really weird I guess.

And that's something that's bothering me. I DO think she truly views me as good for whatever reason...but at the same time I think she thinks I'm really weird. It's almost to the point for me now where I'm paranoid all the time trying to hide my face and bury myself in a hole (figuratively) because I don't wanna concern other people. I'm so bothered because I just can't fit in....like with anyone. Not with my partner or the class or anyone. It's not that I want to change and blend in.....I definitely do not. I've tried hard to stand out with every project for 2D and Concepts all semester. But then again, I'm at a point where I'm DYING to click with someone. I'm sick of feeling like an outcast and getting awkward silences whenever I have some big idea and I speak my mind about it.

I mean I'm gonna do my thing regardless...(this attitude is another thing I'm concerned about showing. I'll explain later.)....but I think someone pushing me a bit would take me to a new level. I know I'm just supposed to wait it out and not stress over it...and that someone will come around when I'm not looking for her....but I want a girlfriend or at least a really close friend who would LISTEN TO ME. Sorry but I actually do need an ego boost. I need someone to think I'm awesome. Personally and creatively. I don't need any of the usual "benefits" that come with a girlfriend if ya catch my drift...I'm not that typa guy. I'm weird as f^&(. I guess. I would rather have someone hug me when they see me and text me when I'm not expecting it to tell me they like some design I posted online. I'd be so happy and feel like I finally mattered and I'd push myself further and further to grow and create other dope things because SHE liked it. I know lots of people like me work...but I feel like there just isn't someone who will ever crush on me and admire me like I crush on and admire others. Like, I really really truly don't believe that I'm going to find that person. I'm not the "hot guy" that girls crush on. I'm the weird creative kid that others just ASSUME has great confidence and thinks everyone else sucks. This is all weird of me....a 20 year old GUY....to be talking about....but it's all relevant to who I am and what/how I create.

Going back to my "I'm gonna do me regardless" attitude.....I think I've shown that to Brittany a bit much. I'm never cocky or over the top at all....but I feel like I just turn people off. I'm not sure. I'm probably thinking too much but it makes me just wanna cry because I can't ever win in my head. I'm SUPPOSED to be happy and SUPPOSED to be confident and all these things but when I try I always do it wrong and I'm right where I always am....down.

All I wanna do is be happy and create stuff and show love to others. I think I need to just accept that there won't ever be someone else who appreciates who I am in the way I want them too. I don't need much...and that's what sucks. I can't even get the least from someone. I'm not good enough in my current state....and I will not change who I am. I like being Jesse but I hate myself because I'm so delusional for thinking that I can accomplish. It's better to accept my irrelevance and weirdness than to believe in myself as a person.

I might as well just not even think about love in any way. I fall easily for art and colors and music and clothes and pretty people and things....but most people aren't like that. Love is just a let down. Art won't ever love me back. My favorite basketball team won't love me back. Clothes won't love me back. A totally awesome tie dye print I just discovered won't love me back.....I've been holding out hope that maybe a girl will love me back for everything that I am....but maybe I'm just too weird. Too "interesting"(negative...instead of saying weird) and out there. I'm not ideal. I'm not gorgeous. I'm nothing that any girl wants. So I just give up with that. I'm on my own.

THIS IS NOT WHINING. NOT COMPLAINING. IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER WHAT I SAY. I JUST HAVE TO RAMBLE. I GET CRITICIZED FOR HOLDING IT IN SO IT'S BETTER TO RAMBLE.

:(

I mean

:)

:|

Ignore me.