This week just wasn't very good. I'm really struggling to stay as positive as I have been....my classes aren't bad or anything but I'm not excited at all about ANYTHING. I feel so blurred out and black and white all the time. I know that I can't just complain and except things to change, but it's hard when you really don't know what to do. I try doing little things different...like even getting out of bed differently or walking new routes on campus or etc etc etc....but outside of that it's all a lost cause. I feel like it really doesn't matter whether I go to class or not because no one will notice or care that I'm absent. It sucks that nothing I can do will ever attract or captivate anyone...and it sucks that I have to try so hard to even be noticed at all. I'm referring to myself as a person when I speak of this but it can also refer to my artwork.
I know I could join some clubs and stuff but I feel so uncomfortable around people I don't know...like, I'm legit scared to take steps towards anything. I know that I have to take steps or I'll always be stationary literally and figuratively...but I just feel like I can't do it.
I know I'm not the best artist or the best looking or the best at anything and that's what bothers me so much. I have nothing to offer anyone. Half of the time I think about how many people are so much better than me........and then I also think about how I'm doing what I can/what I love most of the time and I don't want to be any different. I'm stuck. I don't wanna change but I'm not sure what to do to become relevant.
I have really big dreams and good ideas and stuff but I have NO hope for myself to achieve at really anything. It's all fun to think about but I don't see my dreams becoming reality for the most part.
Mostly I feel like a disappointment. My family is proud of me and stuff for whatever I do but I feel like I should and could be so much better.
Today on the field trip I remembered how much fun field trips used to be when I was little. Those were the best days. All my friends were there and I could just be myself. Today I couldn't be myself. No one wants to know me and I want to know them. Yes I want to know them. I'll get to know anyone. See, I'm okay around people in classes because at least they (might) know my name....I belong in the class.....with joining a club or approaching a stranger, I don't belong and I'll be rejected because of my looks and whatnot. I get really excited when someone even texts me because it makes me feel needed for at least a minute. I get really excited when someone talks to me. I live off the little high's and excitement I get when someone gives me something to think about.
I'm just rambling with no direction.....I don't have much to say about the actual Concepts class.....sorry. I know that's what the blog is for but I think my thoughts that I'm expressing are more important.
I guess I'll do a photo series for this Ecology project. American Apparel-esque. You'll see...it'll be cool I guess.
Jesse -
ReplyDeletePlease hang in there. It is your first term. It is supposed to be rough. Nothing is familiar. I kinda hated my first term of college and was seriously considering transferring to an art school. I had a NYC model for a roommate, and my other roommate had a boyfriend the first day of school. I felt like such a loser. They ALWAYS had guys sleeping over. I could never be in the room. I hung in there, gel-ed more my second term, became a TA/mentor to a art Liberal Studies class, and that hooked me into the art dept.
There are students who feel exactly the way you do. Consider the students from other countries? Students from community colleges? This is new to them. do not be deceived by chatty girls with "boyfriends". It is usually a HS relationship that they will soon grow out of. Just feels safer to have someone.
I appreciate you sharing. Post anytime/email anytime. I am listening.
KR
Ms. R-
DeleteI'm sorry you had a tough time in college at the start...thanx for sharing. I'm actually in my sophomore year. Last year I wasn't in the art program because I missed the deadline to apply(I had no idea what I was even supposed to do to get in until about this time last year). This year is most definitely more enjoyable BECAUSE of the art classes...unfortunately I only have the 2 classes I have with you and no more....I wish I could just take all art. Hopefully next semester I can take at least 3 art classes..whether it's 2 studios and a art history or 3 studios....at least 3 total art classes. I can't stand being in Math, LBST, etc...what a waste. Like you, part of me wants to be at an art school...SCAD would be ideal if it wasn't for the $$$ issues. But on the other hand I've been in CLT all my life and love the city. I like having most everything I need right here in the city I love...so I'm not sure leaving would be the right move anyways.
I do really appreciate you responding tho, it means a lot. I don't post this stuff to get attention I just need to vent and let it out of my mind. Honestly I'm like completely lost as far as...everything...goes. I know what I like and I know what I want but I hold myself back big time because....actually I don't know why. I just hold myself back. I guess it's just because I feel like I won't be accepted in any way. I can't help it ....but I'm trying to get over it and at least I feel like I've made a few tiny baby steps towards changing, this year. At least I talk in class...sometimes.
J